You join me as I mark day 3,000 of driving myself up the wall.


I walk from room to room, surprised to find they are exactly the same as I left them. I try to engage the dog in conversation, she turns her back on me. I have bored even her to tears, a dog who never leaves my side unless someone else has pizza. That’s how bad things have got over here at Sarah’s House of Humdrum Monotony.


Oh wait! It’s the postwoman – I have to tell her the hilarious story I just remembered! Oh, she dropped the package and ran away. Bye friend…


Anyway, back to the task at hand, talking about all my 2D friends and the adventures we go on together. We sit in coffee shops, we roam museums, we get manicures and we find a table at the bar (because we can’t walk in heels like we used to) to perve on hot guys who are probably a good 15 years younger than us now. How we laugh at the years passing us by as we toast our fabulousness.


We go on mini breaks, old enough now to know paying extra upfront for easyJet allocated seats is sensible expenditure. We arrive at the hotel and have a quick disco nap before we head out ‘to find our bearings’. Oh, how busy and wonderful we are, my friends and I. Our relationships may only last for 350 pages, but they are deep and meaningful and they’re ALL I’VE GOT, GODDAMMIT.


*Dance break*


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